Last night was Friday night and I ventured completely outside of my comfort zone. I listened to a story on the radio that afternoon about how women are attracted to men with enough confidence to bust a move on the dance floor (aka John Travolta and Saturday Night Fever). I like for women to be attracted to me so I dug out my white polyester suit and decided to hit the disco.
My skull and crossbones tattoo was covered up (I got that after reading that chicks liked “bad boys” – but that’s another story), my hair was slicked back, my platform shoes were shined, and I was styling. I jumped into my 2005 Yaris and headed for “The Sweaty Cougar”, a dance club in the Anaheim Hills. I hadn’t been there in decades but it had always been busy – lots of girls. Traffic was terrible and it took longer than expected to get there but, I kept telling myself that the rewards would justify the effort. I pulled off the freeway a little before 11:00 and thought my timing was… a little late but still workable. Wait, something was wrong. I peered through the windscreen at the strip mall where “The Sweaty Cougar” had stood. It wasn’t there. Not only was “The Sweaty Cougar” missing the entire strip mall was gone. In its place stood a large Home Depot store flanked by an even larger Costco store. In front were acres of parking lit by bright white LED fixtures.
My grandma had always said that when life gives you lemons make lemonade. If ever there had been a time when I had received a bushel of lemons – this was it. I decided to improvise. After all, I was here to impress women, I was wearing my three piece white polyester suit with the wide lapels and two button coat. OK, I couldn’t quite get the buttons to work but I was here to dance, so the buttons would have been an impediment anyway. I pulled my Yaris under one of the bright white LED fixtures and opened both doors. I cranked the stereo LOUD (all the way to 11), plugged in my Bee Gees mix tape and posed under the light. My left leg bent at the knee, my hip cocked provocatively, my head turned slightly and my hand raised with my index finger pointing to the LED’s over my head. When the music started, so did I. I was awesome.
I was awesome for about three minutes because that is how long it took for Anaheim’s finest to arrive. They ejected my cassette tape, stopping the music, and took me into custody. Creating a Nuisance and Disturbing the Peace is what they said. I got out of jail about 45 minutes ago.
How was it? You ask… It was great while it lasted.
Would I do it again? You ask… Probably not. One of the female booking officers at the jail told me that white polyester suits creeped her out!