When the guy came to the door and asked for me, I didn’t recognize him. Usually when that happens, it’s the cops or a process server sent by my ex-wife’s lawyer. I slammed the door and ran to the back but the guy was quick, he was already standing on the back porch when I got there. I was beaten. So I offered him a cup of coffee. He explained to me over instant powdered that my Aunt What’sername had left me a million bucks. I thought it was a trick. I thought there had to be a catch to it. Like one of those emails from Nigeria.
Nope, this was on the up and up. He explained I had to go listen to an estate attorney read the will and that the money would be mine. The appointment was set for next Tuesday at 2:00PM. I showed up and no one else was there, just me and the lawyer. I asked him about Aunt What’sername and how we were related. He didn’t know. He said that she had shown up at his office about a year ago without an appointment. She dictated the will and they both signed it. She left strict instructions and then left. He never saw her again. Last week he was notified of her death so he dug out the documents and sent his man to find me.
He read the will out loud and asked if I had any questions. Then he opened the top right desk drawer and removed an envelope which he handed to me. It contained a cashier’s cheque for 1,000,000.00. He explained that Aunt What’sername had arranged the taxes to be withheld in advance so this money was all mine. Another envelope held a statement showing the total amount less the taxes and the balance. There were other financial documents that he suggested I show to my accountant. Pfft, what accountant? I asked a lot more questions but he didn’t know much more. So I took my envelopes and left. Made my way to the bus stop.
I really didn’t want notoriety so it was good that Aunt What’sername left me the money, better than if I had won the lotto. The press tends to converge on lotto winners and they ask you what you are going to do with the money. I’ve seen this on TV so I know it works that way. I think they want you to say that you are going to donate it all to charity, or that you’re going to a large amusement park. They don’t want to hear the things that I got in mind. I don’t want to do anything wholesome with this money.
I might waste some of it and buy new golf clubs, but the bulk is going to be spent on important things that are not good for me.
1. Women –
2. Cigarettes – the unfiltered variety, full tar and full nicotine
3. Roulette – I hold no illusions of winning but there is something about a little ball bouncing around on a spinning wheel, I don’t know I suppose it’s the adrenaline
4. Whiskey – the single malt kind with unpronounceable names
5. Chiccarones – and other salty, fatty foods, I like to sit outside on the porch when there’s a warm, quiet evening, snack on fried animal fats, and listen to the sound of my arteries hardening
6. Cocaine – just a sniffle or two, not a lot
7. Criminal Enterprise –
I almost missed the stop thinking about what I was going to do and planning my future. I got off two stops before my house. There was a bank on the corner. I figured I ought to open an account of one sort or another.
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