“We’ve got to talk.” Susan said after dinner that night.
“Sure, what’s up?
“I noticed a couple of days ago that I’ve lost a lot of friends on Facebook, a lot of people who have been our friends for years. I don’t mean just Facebook friends either but real friends too. People we’ve known like, forever.”
“What’s your point?” I asked.
“I’m not sure when it started. I’m not sure why they’re leaving. It seems to be people who have been our friends. It seems to be friends of us both, not just my friends from work or church. Do you know anything about it?”
“Yeah, I do.” I said, “It started in mid-September. I’ve been watching it too. A lot of them are my friends from the gym.”
“Holy shit, Bobby, what do you think is going on? What have we done to make them unfriend us en mass like this?”
“Susan, I’m doing it. I’m chasing ‘em away.”
“What? Why on earth would you do that?”
“Sit down, Susan.”
She did. Then she crossed her arms and gave me that look. That ‘this better be good look.’
“You remember we were talking about how tight our budget was going to be this Christmas? How you didn’t know what we were going to do if we couldn’t get gifts, or even make gifts, for all our friends?”
“Yeah, but what does one have to do with the other?”
“I ran the data on all our friends and analyzed their political affiliations and leanings. I found it was a pretty even split between Democrats and Republicans.”
“Yeahhhh?” Susan said thoughtfully. I could see the gears churning. I knew she was catching on.
“Well, since you and I seem to be more left leaning, and our friends know that, I started talking trash about the GOP, and all their candidates, on Facebook. The timing is perfect, with the midterm elections coming up in November and all. I think half of our friends are going to hate us before Thanksgiving. Just think how much money we’re going to save not having to buy Christmas presents for our Republican friends. We can win ‘em back after New Years. We’ll tell ‘em my account was hacked or something.”
Susan was smiling from ear to ear. “But you’re only chasing away the Republicans right?”
“Good, ‘cause Mom’s a Democrat. I don’t want to lose her, I already bought her present. You’re brilliant Bobby! Brilliant!”