Speakeasy · writing

How To Save Money at Christmas


“We’ve got to talk.” Susan said after dinner that night.

“Sure, what’s up?

“I noticed a couple of days ago that I’ve lost a lot of friends on Facebook, a lot of people who have been our friends for years. I don’t mean just Facebook friends either but real friends too. People we’ve known like, forever.”

“What’s your point?” I asked.

“I’m not sure when it started. I’m not sure why they’re leaving. It seems to be people who have been our friends. It seems to be friends of us both, not just my friends from work or church. Do you know anything about it?”

“Yeah, I do.” I said, “It started in mid-September. I’ve been watching it too. A lot of them are my friends from the gym.”

“Holy shit, Bobby, what do you think is going on? What have we done to make them unfriend us en mass like this?”

“Susan, I’m doing it. I’m chasing ‘em away.”

“What? Why on earth would you do that?”

“Sit down, Susan.”

She did. Then she crossed her arms and gave me that look. That ‘this better be good look.’

“You remember we were talking about how tight our budget was going to be this Christmas? How you didn’t know what we were going to do if we couldn’t get gifts, or even make gifts, for all our friends?”

“Yeah, but what does one have to do with the other?”

“I ran the data on all our friends and analyzed their political affiliations and leanings. I found it was a pretty even split between Democrats and Republicans.”

“Yeahhhh?” Susan said thoughtfully. I could see the gears churning. I knew she was catching on.

“Well, since you and I seem to be more left leaning, and our friends know that, I started talking trash about the GOP, and all their candidates, on Facebook. The timing is perfect, with the midterm elections coming up in November and all. I think half of our friends are going to hate us before Thanksgiving. Just think how much money we’re going to save not having to buy Christmas presents for our Republican friends. We can win ‘em back after New Years. We’ll tell ‘em my account was hacked or something.”

Susan was smiling from ear to ear. “But you’re only chasing away the Republicans right?”

“Yeah, right.”

“Good, ‘cause Mom’s a Democrat. I don’t want to lose her, I already bought her present. You’re brilliant Bobby! Brilliant!”

31 thoughts on “How To Save Money at Christmas

    1. Ahh, yeah, I know but it is so much easier to be honest. You don’t have to remember what you told who.
      Having said that the story above is fiction.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. of course, after New Years, the presidential election campaigning starts kicking off (it’s earlier every year, like Christmas), so your characters won’t have their friends back till 2017. on the bright side, more budget savings! three years for the price of one! woohoo! Very clever.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Glad you liked it Michael. I usually find that when the presidential campaigning begins the best way to deal with it is to turn off your TV, cancel your newspaper subscription and light fire to your mailbox.
      You probably shouldn’t answer the door either.


    1. Don’t laugh too loud. It looks like the baby is sleeping! Shhhh.
      Thanks for saying nice things and thanks for laughing!


  2. As everyone else has said, I love the way you answered the question – hilarious! And the story is cleverly thought out, too! Where do you get this stuff!? Had me laughing yesterday through all the awfulness that was going on in our city, so thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Tienne, first of all – thanks for liking this piece. The reception of this bit of frivolity by you guys has been amazing and I appreciate every one of the “Likes” and”Comments”.
      Second of all – I can’t imagine what is going through the minds of Ottawans in the wake of what happened yesterday. I wish the citizens of the world could remember how to behave.
      Third of all – I’ve been telling my wife we should do this for years but have never been able to get her to agree to it. At least now, I got an opportunity to write about it!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You brought a smile to my face – and I won’t lie, a bit of a tear to my eye – and a warm, fuzzy feeling too. I love that you are at least getting to live out your dream through your writing 🙂 As for yesterday, I’m still not sure what’s going through my mind, but thank you.


    1. I understand this is not for everyone but if you wanted to try it you could always lie. Tell your friends you’ve been converted. You’ve seen the error of your ways?
      Later you can claim it was a social research project? You got a grant?
      Naw – better to be honest!


  3. Well that’s certainly an interesting way to look at it… 😉
    But at the same time you’re losing out on the gifts others could have gotten you not to mention their valued friendship. I’m guessing you have more friends than I do. They sound more expensive too, you should try mine someday :p

    Liked by 1 person

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