Workin’ On Our Issues!

“Why am I here Paul? Why am I sitting in these weeds? I think my butt is getting wet! I thought you were taking me to lunch, but you didn’t even bring a picnic basket! I thought we were working on our relationship issues. I thought you were trying a little romance, like the counselor suggested. Now that we’re here I got nothing to eat, nothing to drink and you are just freakin’ ignoring me.

“You’re such an ass.

“I should have gone to the spa with the girls. They asked me to go but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. God knows I try, Paul. I turned them down. For what, for this? They’ve got those hunky masseurs from the day spa to paw them and wedge them like clay. Meanwhile I get to sit here with a wet butt. With my blouse buttoned up to my chin, listening to your beard grow! How long have we been sitting here anyway? Seems like hours.

“I think we’re lucky to be alive after you crashed the canoe. Yeah, you thought I missed that didn’t you. I noticed when you lost control of the boat and ran aground. I saw the fear in your eyes when we were on the water and it got away from you. I also saw those fish that you ran over, I think you killed them. I think you killed them all. Innocent creatures, they deserved better. It was a whole school of perch, or something. Do you smell that Paul? Huh? Smells like dead fish to me. Their poor dead fish bodies are probably strewn all up and down the bank. God, it’s awful!”


“Alice, did you pack my turps like I asked? I’ll never be able to thin these paints properly without turpentine. I’ve probably got fifteen brushes here and nothing to clean them with.

“Never mind, I’ll just smear colors on the canvas and pretend that I don’t know you. And, why did you have to wear that insipid hat? It’s an embarrassment! I’ve never seen anything so ugly. Give it to Goodwill, I say. Donate it to the Salvation Army, I suggest. But noooo, you keep it just to irritate me. The counselor told you that you needed to work on your aggressive tendencies.

“I’ve seen you working on your aggression, I’ve seen you honing it to a fine edge. I fear that one day you will run it across my throat just to watch me bleed out. Perhaps this beard will protect my jugular from the sharp blade of your anger. I can only hope.

“At least if I sit with my back to you and if you remain mute I can enjoy the day. A fine day indeed, smell the river and the fresh air.

“It’s wonderful.

“God knows I try, Alice. I thought you would enjoy a canoe trip. I should have warned you not to stand in the boat. I thought we would capsize for sure. I was lucky to get us to the bank without a dunking.

“If anyone comes by just keep your mouth shut, and lose the hat, or I’ll have to tell them that I don’t know you. That you just came over and sat next to me. That I believe you got lost on your way home from failing the final exam at millinery school.”

Second Place – Thanks guys