William Gets a Breakfast Date



“Yes, ma’am, good afternoon. Are you the manager? I asked the guy who answered the phone if I could speak with the manager.”

“Oh great, thanks for taking my call Ms Coe.”

“Sure, I can call you Christine, or even Chris, if you prefer.”

“OK, Christine it is. Christine, my name’s William Clutterbuck; and I just moved to town a couple of weeks ago. This seems like a great town.”

“That’s right, about two weeks ago. I’ve spent the last several days getting my house organized and setting up my workshop.”

“Me? I moved here from Fort Lauderdale. Yeah, I know, most folks move south. I guess I just do shit backwards. Oh, damn. I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to say shit. It just slipped out. It must be because you’re so easy to talk to. Crap, please don’t take that wrong, that’s not a pickup line. I wouldn’t do that. Not on the phone, anyway. I mean, we’ve never even met. I just said crap, didn’t I? I’m so sorry. I haven’t been interacting with real people for the last year or so. I’ve been living in a crappy studio apartment waiting for my divorce to get finalized. Then I had to find a place I could afford and that’s why I’m here. My wife and the pool boy got the house so I couldn’t stay in Florida. Shit, they got pretty much everything else too. Sorry about my language, please don’t hang up.”

“My workshop? Well mostly I’m a woodworker but I’ve been known to do a bit of welding too. I like the way that steel and wood look together so sometimes I like to mix my media, so to speak.”

“Yeah, that’s it exactly. I’m looking for a retail outlet where I can sell some of my pieces. I’m willing to sell them to you directly, or place them with you on a consignment basis. I’m not sure how you work with shit like this.”

“Yeah, I just realized, I did it again. Sorry.”

“Uhm, what I have right now are a bunch of bird sculptures, but not just any birds though, these are hummingbirds. And, wait – these are not just hummingbirds either. I cut the pieces out of ‘one-by’ lumber, paint ‘em up real colourful, and bolt them together so that they move. They’re really incredible the wings whirl around and everything. I used to sell the shit out of them at the senior communities in Florida. Hell, one old lady at Leisure World, used to swear that if they weren’t so big she would think they were real hummingbirds. I did it again, didn’t I? Please ignore my language. I promise to work on it.”

“That’s right. The wings spin around in the wind. You must have heard of my work, huh?”

“Whirligigs? That’s brilliant! I wish I’d thought of that. Would you mind if I called them Whirligigs. That’s genius.”

“They do?”

“They are?”

“Well, damn, I thought I was onto something. I thought I was on the cutting edge of innovation. I’m kinda disappointed to hear that. Do you sell them at your place?”

“You do huh? Crap. You know what though? I’m really good at this shit. If you tell me what will sell at your place, I guarantee I can make it. Maybe we should get together. You know, have a meeting or do lunch, or coffee or something. Are you free this afternoon?”

“I can come by your store tomorrow then. When is a good time for you?”

“Sure, I can be there at 6 am.”

“Fifteen minutes will be great – all the time I’ll need. I can bring some of my hummingbird whirligigs to show you. Hey, I can bring some donuts too. Do you like maple bars? My ex-wife hated maple bars so that’s really all I buy these days. Kinda my way of stickin’ it back at her. Ya know?”

“OK, I promise not to talk about her at all tomorrow. I’m over all that shit anyway, oops sorry. I’ll just show you my birds and listen to your ideas, while we eat donuts.”

“Right, see you tomorrow.
“Oh wait, do you take cream or sugar in your coffee? I’ll bring coffee too. I can hardly wait.”


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10 thoughts on “William Gets a Breakfast Date

  1. Well hell, if he doesn’t sell his whirlygigs he might still get a boyfriend. Wait, I said hell didn’t I? I’ll work on that. This was a cool and interesting character. Interesting story!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Funny, I had maple in my story too! 6 am is super early, lol bless those morning people. You did a great job writing an entire story with dialog!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You’d think that someone named Clutterbuck would be better at not accidentally cursing.

    We had a woman with the last name Clutterbuck who ran for some local political office. I gave up even trying to say her name around other people because I knew I would get it wrong every time.

    Liked by 1 person

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